You’ve heard this, haven’t you? It’s a commonly made statement that is found in many marriage books. Whoever originally started this lie ought to be shot!

What kind of a cruel person would say such a thing? What kind of person would play such a cruel trick and get our hopes up? Everyone who has ever married knows the truth. The truth is the honeymoon is over when you step off the return flight from Shangri-La.

But what does our media culture lead us to believe? Forget the bills. Forget sickness. Forget unemployment. Forget long days at frustrating jobs. Forget that you have three children under the age of twenty-eight. These things shouldn’t matter. The honeymoon and romance should survive all that stuff and last forever. Shouldn’t it? We should soar on wings of marital bliss forever––shouldn’t we?

Here are a few definitions of marital bliss to get things going:

• Marital bliss is when he stays out half the night twice a week with the guys, and she doesn’t mind. In fact, she’s just glad his needs for male bonding are being met.
• Marital bliss is when she is not in the mood for sex (for two months) and he is just happy that she is happy.
• Marital bliss is that state when both spouses are heavily medicated.

I don’t know why I watch movies. I guess I enjoy abuse and depression. What I mean is this: It seems we can’t find a movie that doesn’t have the obligatory graphic and fiercely-passionate sex scenes. You know what I’m talking about––the scenes where the woman jumps on the man, and they whirl around knocking over vases, lamps, and furniture––ripping each others clothes. Added to that, the movie is never about a loving husband and wife. Instead, it’s a movie about––oh, I don’t know––a movie about . . . crab fishermen! The scene takes place on a commercial fishing boat that gets caught in a storm off the Aleutian Islands. But somehow they manage to slip a graphic sex scene into the story. They’re battling hurricane winds and waves, the ship is taking on water, and below deck the one lone crab fisherwoman on the boat (played by some gorgeous babe, of course) is ripping off her foul-weather gear and making it with Joe Cool.

Either that or it’s a gorgeous female photojournalist covering the war in Afghanistan. She’s on a mission with an army patrol. Suddenly bullets start flying all over the place. Their lives are on the line with every turn of a corner. They’re outgunned and are being slaughter, but luckily she and her companion find shelter in a bombed out house that has a dirty mattress in the corner. What do you know? Suddenly the shooting stops long enough for them to do what’s really important at a time like this: make passionate love. Flak jackets pulled off! Ammo belts flying off! Sweaty military T shirts come off, and ecstasy all around!

Not in a hundred million years.

So what’s up with these naysayers … these prophets of doom and gloom about the end of the honeymoon?  Their books should be burned. Shouldn’t they?

I’m very please with myself over the title of this article. I chuckle every time I think of it. Don’t get me wrong; I like cats. In fact I obsessively like them. ( ♪♫♪  You may say I’m an idiot, but I’m not the only one.  … sung to the tune of Imagine by John Lennon).

But here’s the scenario: It’s 5 a.m. and you’re both in bed zonked out. Buffy the kitty (as in Buffy the vampire cat) hops on your bed and starts kneading her claws into your chest while licking your nose. That’s cat lingo for “Wake up, I’m hungry.” You awaken to two green eyes staring at you and a bit of drool on your nose. You immediately dismiss the thought of where that tongue has recently been. After all, she’s a pet . . .right? That somehow makes it sanitary, doesn’t it?

Repeated attempts to kick the cat off the bed are met with determined resistance. This time the claws go in deeper and she chews on your ear.

“Aw, dang.  . . . Barbara, YOUR cat is hungry!”
        “What do you me MY cat?   . . . She’s community property!”
        “Besides, it’s obvious she loves you more than me.”
“Well, I suppose nibbling on my ear is a form of love. I mean you like it!”
        “Watch it Hot Shot. Don’t get you hopes up. And put a pot of coffee on
         while you’re up.”

The dialog of love does seem to change over the years, doesn’t it? Sometimes it’s moderated by crying kids, financial pressure, or as above, Attila the cat. But it’s still love. It’s just that sometimes it takes a little more effort to recognize it and a little more effort to express it. The difference between success and failure in marriage and the continuance of passionate love is, among other things, putting in the effort.

To be continued

© Mike Williamson  2-2011

Genesis224 is the marriage and pre-marriage gig of Mike & Jewel Williamson. Visit our website and blogs at:

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Originally, I wrote the following with only men in mind. However, I have updated it to include women because the principles apply to them as well, and I have realized that many woman struggle just as much with these matters. Lust is not just a sexual matter. Rather it is an issue and experience common to all. The only difference is in the way it manifests.

We were five years into our marriage before my wife began to stop mentioning her first husband. As she occasionally talked about her earlier life she would say “we” when referring to her former marriage: “We did this, and we did that”. It bothered me because she was still bothered by the way he treated her and used her. She was still hoping that he would get his “come-uppins”. She had supported him for ten years while he went to school after which he divorced her.

The one rejected suffers loss, devastation, humiliation, and betrayal along with feelings of grief, depression, anger, and rage. As is often the case, the one who rejects has guilt, remorse, a downward spiral of self-absorption, and continued dissatisfaction in future relations. Often the motives for divorce are the same motives used to seek a new relationship, namely, self-centered passions. Self-centeredness dooms any relationship. My wife was not good enough for her former husband. She wasn’t what he wanted. I have to admit that at times I have wondered if she was good enough for me either. The essence of this matter is lust.

We commonly think lust is only a sexual matter and that perhaps it is exclusively a man’s issue. We so completely identified lust with sex that we hardly think of it in other terms or as an issue common with women. But lust is, indeed, a serious problem with women even though it generally doesn’t manifest in the same way as with men, i.e., sexually.

Lust (More is better)

Lust, simply stated, is the desire for “more“. We think If I could just have more sex, more women, or a different woman. If I could only have a different husband. If my husband was more this or that. If I had more money, more power, or more chocolate, then everything would be fine, and I’d be satisfied. But, the secret nature––the real goal––of lust is never to be satisfied. Lust does not want to be satisfied. Nor can it be.

A lustful person reminds me of a squirrel I once fed in a park. It had gathered a few peanuts and was trying to carry them all at the same time. It put one in its mouth and tucked a couple against its chest with one paw. It was a funny show; the squirrel didn’t get anywhere! After a few hobbling steps, it dropped the whole bunch. Then it gathered them up again and repeated the same disaster. Finally it gave up and did it the old fashion way; it carried one up the tree in its mouth and then came back for the others–one at a time. Sometimes “more” is actually …less.

Variety is the spice of life

This saying is applicable to such things as fashion, food, vacations, flowers, etc. but not to people. Speaking to men, women are soul and spirit. They are consciousness, and consciousness mandates relationship, which, in turn, mandates responsibility, respect, care, and consideration. In a word, love. For married men, your wife is your helpmate; she is not your servant. We are partners in life. It is in partnership that we are to work together and keep our relationship in order–each fulfilling his or her tasks as is fitting. God’s order for human relationship is “one man, one woman for life”. Because of sin, man does not know or follow that order.

Sexually addicted men have a tendency to want every woman they see. One is not enough. Ten is not enough. A thousand is not enough. Man doesn’t lust because he wants to be satisfied. Rather he lusts because he doesn’t want to be satisfied. It’s crucial to understand that we––both men and women––lust because we do not want to be satisfied. We think that we are looking for satisfaction, but that is not true. We think that the reason men look at other women (or women look at other men, or another pair of shoes, or one more bowl of ice cream) is that we are dissatisfied with what we have and that something or someone else will make us happy. That is what we think, and that’s what we tell ourselves, but it’s just not the truth. The truth is we do not want to be satisfied. The very nature of lust mandates that it be “un-satisfiable”. (That word isn’t in my dictionary, but I know it exist …somewhere!)

Some women are never satisfied; they are never content. Perhaps the wife is not satisfied with her husband. If only he would change. If only he made more money. If only he was like other husbands. If only I could fit into a size 10, a size 8, a size 4. If only other body parts were bigger, smaller, more shapely. If only I was prettier. The “ifs” are endless.

A woman who is compulsive or obsessive is willfully choosing to be discontent. “More” is the principle that rules her life. That is lust. It is every bit as sinful as sexual lust is. Gluttony, for example, is a manifestation of discontent. Lust and discontent are two sides of the same coin. Gluttony (or at least one aspect of it) is the practice of gorging oneself merely for taste and pleasure and for the escape comfort that eating provides. Taste is one of the five senses. Therefore, to eat for taste alone (or escape comfort), is sensual. A glutton is a sensuous person; he or she is living every bit as sensually as a sexually lustful person is.

Now folks, if you think I am being cruel, harsh, uncaring, and lacking understanding and sympathy, let me just say that as of this writing, I am sixty pounds overweight. I am indicting myself by what I’m saying.

Aside from true medical conditions such as a faulty thyroid, the triggers for overeating and being overweight are manifold such as: living for self at the core of our being, a self-serving living-for- pleasure mindset. Some other triggers are traumas such as the death of family members, childhood abuse, rape, abortions, etc. These things have strong attendant emotions––grief, sorrow, self-pity, depression, and other feelings that dominate our lives. Whatever the case, people with undisciplined life patterns are not properly dealing with themselves, with their relationship to God and others, and with their circumstances. Discontent and lust are a part of the picture.

Lust is the spirit or attitude of discontentment. It is willfully choosing to be dissatisfied.

Picture a donkey tied to a threshing mill. (A threshing mill served the same purpose as a windmill but was animal powered.) An apple is placed on a stick a few feet in front of the donkey. The animal wants the apple and moves forward to get it, but the apple is always just out of reach. It’s what motivates the donkey to move. It is not the least bit motivated by the human’s desire to move the millstone around and press out grain. Once the apple is removed or finally given to the donkey, the animal stops. It no longer is motivated to move. The apple is what it truly wanted.

But with lust, the goal is not the apple. The goal of lust is actually the process of wanting. In fact, the real goal of lust is to make sure that we don’t get the apple. Lust exists only for one reason: to want. If lust wanted to be satisfied, it wouldn’t be lust. A man or woman who lusts––no matter what the behavior––is not seeking satisfaction but rather is seeking dissatisfaction and discontent. If we think we are looking for satisfaction, we are deceiving ourselves. If, by lusting, we think we are looking for the thing or person who will make us happy, we are deceived.

The truth is we do not want to be happy. We do not want to be satisfied. If we wanted to be satisfied, we would be because we’d be …satisfied! Instead, we want something different––something more. Lust doesn’t primarily mean that we are bonkers over women (or men), or over food or money. That’s just the effect. Lust means we willfully refuse to be satisfied. We willfully and purposefully choose to be discontent and dissatisfied. And that is sin.

Consider the famous song by the Rolling Stones. The lyrics are “I can’t get no …satisfaction”. I try …and I try …and I try …and I try …(but) I can’t get no …satisfaction.” Nonsense! You can’t get satisfied. Satisfaction does not come with wanting, getting, or trying.

Doesn’t this make sense? Am I saying the obvious? Well, it’s not so obvious to everybody. It has taken me many years to get this!

Part 2

 In part one, I briefly covered the topic of lust and wrote that there are many manifestations of lust, which, although they might not be as morally disgusting as sexual lust, they are of the same spirit. That spirit (or attitude) is the “tastiness” of discontent.

On one hand, discontentment it is a powerful motivating factor in human affairs. The bright side of discontent is the desire to improve a situation––to build a better mousetrap or to discover a cure for a disease. In this sense, discontent, like necessity, is the mother of invention.

But, on the other hand, the dark side of discontent is the insatiable craving, striving, and searching for something that is always just beyond one’s reach––something that we believe will satisfy us if we can just finally grasp it.

Discontent can lead us into the arms of Jesus and eternal life, or it can lead us into an affair, a bar, a bakery, or a smorgasbord. It can lead us to continually redecorate our homes, change our wardrobe every three months, or to get cosmetic surgery. It can lead us to the top of the corporate ladder at the cost of everything else. That is the lust for ambition, power, and money. It can also lead us to the next town, the next state, or to another country––ever seeking an experience that will fill the void. That is wander-lust. When I was a kid, I often watched a travel show that was, in fact, entitled “Wanderlust”. It couldn’t have been more appropriately named. That show, I am sure, was a big influence on my rootless life. I was never satisfied to stay in one place. I was never satisfied with where I was.

Many songs that I listen to in childhood contained the themes of lust, wanderlust, and discontent. For example, from listening to Harry Bellefonte records, I was sure that happiness was to be found in Kingston Town, Port of Spain, or some other dreamy Caribbean town or island. Other songs such as The Wanderer by Dion and the Belmonts worked to convince me that happiness was to be found by living out these lyrics:

Oh well I’m the type of guy who will never settle down
Where pretty girls are well, you know that I’m around
I kiss ‘em and I love’em ’cause to me they’re all the same
I hug ‘em and I squeeze ‘em they don’t even know my name
They call me the wanderer yeah the wanderer
I roam around around around… 

Oh well there’s Flo on my left and there’s Mary on my right
And Janie is the girl that I’ll be with tonight
And when she asks me which one I love the best
I tear open my shirt I got Rosie on my chest
‘Cause I’m the wanderer yeah the wanderer
I roam around around around…

As a teenager, I had no idea of the havoc these songs wreaked in my life. I never stopped to consider the absolute horridness (not to mention the absolute stupidity) of these songs. I loved moral darkness; I thought it was normal and natural. I was a slave to the feeling of wanting––the feeling of wanting. When I got what I supposedly wanted, I would want something else.

Again, speaking of those who seek comfort and satisfaction through food, their life revolves around eating. The Bible talks about those whose god is their stomach––ever stuffing themselves as they max out industrial scales. Face it folks, fat people (myself included) have a problem with idolatrous lust and discontent of some variety or another.

Here is another point: weight is not the issue. I’m about sixty pounds overweight, but I am no different from someone who is three-hundred pounds overweight. Someone who is thirty pounds overweight has the same issue as someone much heavier. Something drives us to eat more than we should. It’s just that we don’t eat as much and are not as fat as the next person is. So what? Again, the issue isn’t weight. Neither should the goal be to become the correct weight for your age and size. The real issue and question to answer is this: What is driving us? To whom or to what are we acquiescing? To whom or to what impulse are we obeying? That is our god. That is idolatry. That is sin. And the correct goal is not to lose weight or to become the proper weight but rather for us to yield, by the power and grace of God, every area of our very selves––including hurts, wounds, fears, desires, and discontent––to God.

So, then, people with compulsive issues––whatever the nature––have a common kinship. That kinship is an attraction to the spirit (the flavor and taste) of idolatrous discontent. Indeed, for many of us, discontent does taste good. We have acquired the taste for being discontent––A.D.S. (Acquired Discontent Syndrome!) There now! You psychologist can have fun with that one!

Step into love?  What on earth do you mean? That sounds rather mechanical and devoid of any …any …well …love.

The important or operative word to look at in the phrase falling in love is not the word “love”. Rather it is the word “fall”.

To “fall” means to trip, to splat, to lose one’s footing and make unintended and often brutal contact with the floor, the ground, or the bottom of a cliff. The following examples will suffice to make the point:

He slipped on the ice, fell, and broke his leg.
She tripped over the dog, fell on the sidewalk and broke her collar bone.
Jim fell out of the airplane before putting on his parachute.

Can you think of any use of the word “fall” to describe anything other than an unwanted, undesirable, and dangerous situation to be avoided at all cost?  Yet we are very comfortable using the word “fall” to describe and to explain the momentous and extremely consequential situation of being attracted to, becoming involved with, and bound to another individual who will impact our life for better or for worse in ways we can’t even imagine—for the rest of our life.

Do you agree that the Bible and, especially Jesus, uses the word “love” to explain the highest state of being—of God’s relationship to His son Jesus, and extended through Christ to man. If so, you must also agree that it is so used to describe a state that is the furthest thing from an accident or an unintended action or an accidental attachment to another.

People commonly use the term “fall in love” to describe the state of initial attraction to another due to their appearance or their personality. What we are describing is more honestly called a state of infatuation. I question whether infatuation has anything much to do with love. Here are just two reasons why. First, it’s easy to be highly attracted to numerous people based on their appearance and personality. Second, if a person “falls” in love, they can just as readily and easily fall out of love. After all, it just . . . happens.

For example, a guy says to his friend, “I can’t explain it; I just love her. She is so great”. A year later, he says to his friend, “I can’t explain how it happened; I just fell out of love with her. I just don’t love her anymore. I don’t know how it happened.” This kind of thinking is nonsense. The truth is he never loved her in the first place.

Infatuation is exhilarating. It’s a maximum adrenaline rush. So is skydiving. . . . You just better hope you packed your chute correctly. Marriage, without careful planning, preparation, and counseling, is like stuffing your parachute any haphazard way because you can’t wait to jump out of the plane.

© Mike Williamson 03-2010

——————————————————–

Reconciliation to God is a theme (if not the major theme) throughout the entire Bible. Throughout the Old and New Testaments, God is revealed at work restoring fallen man to Himself. Forgiveness of sin is one of the elements of restoration. It is a means to that end. The goal of forgiveness is restoration of relationship. Repentance is another theme, and it is inextricably woven together with forgiveness. How repentance and forgiveness work together in reconciliation and restoration of human relationships, and specifically, marital relationship is the subject of consideration.

Is repentance an essential element of forgiveness?

There is, at least, one scripture that indicates repentance is a necessary element in forgiveness

Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespasses against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. Luke 17:3 (see also Matt 18:15-17)

The above scriptures not withstanding, there is some debate among Christians as to whether forgiveness is predicated upon repentance. Some contend that we must forgive even if the offending person doesn’t repent or ask for forgiveness. Others say that forgiveness is an action that doesn’t have an occasion to be manifested until forgiveness is asked for. Perhaps we get a few ideas mixed up. We are not to harbor bitterness or an unwillingness to forgive. Rather, we are to be eager to seek reconciliation and restoration of relationship.

If the person who sins against us refuses to ask forgiveness, we are not to harbor bitterness against them. However, is there an opportunity to forgive? Is there the opportunity or possibility of reconciliation? For example, Jesus for­gave us all our sins while we were yet sinners and not seeking forgiveness. Might we say that He made forgiveness available for all? Some, however, do not appropriate His forgiveness for themselves because they do not know their need of it and, therefore, do not ask for or seek forgiveness.

The proper question

The debate as to whether there can be forgiveness without repentance is cloudy because it is flawed in principle. It doesn’t take into consideration the underlying goal of the matter. We might better ask, Can there be reconciliation and restoration of relationship without repentance? The answer is no. In a marital relationship, for example, it wouldn’t be right to say something like “Forgive me for the rotten way I am treating you …but I’m not going to change …so just forgive me and live with it!” Such an attitude would hardly restore relationship. You might be willing to forgive your spouse, you might not harbor bitterness and resentment, but your relationship will be stunted at least in that area because of your spouse’s refusal to seek restoration. The gravity of the offense, abuse, or sin has a bearing on your relationship. Minor offences might, perhaps, do little harm. However, as is most often the case, little offences pile up and have an accumulative effect. Marriages die a little bit at a time. Also, there can be a pseudo-restoration. There can be an appearance of peace and oneness. Unfortunately, it is common for issues to be merely swept under the rug as a way to deal with, or rather not to deal with, problems. That produces distance. That’s not peace; it’s a cease-fire. It’s a demilitarized zone. It is a war waiting to happen.

What is repentance?

In Strong’s Greek Lexicon, the word repentance has the following definition: # 3340 metanoeo (met-an-o-eh’-o); from 3326 meta -(after-afterward) and 3539 noeo (think); to think differently or afterwards, i.e. reconsider (morally, feel compunction): KJV– repent.

According to Nelson’s Bible Dictionary, repentance is “A turning away from sin, disobedience, or rebellion and a turning back to God [Matt. 9:13; Luke 5:32.] In a more general sense, repentance means a change of mind [Gen. 6:6] or a feeling of remorse or regret for past conduct [Matt. 27:3]. True repentance is a “godly sorrow” for sin, an act of turning around and going in the opposite direction. This type of repentance leads to a fundamental change in a person’s relationship to God.”

I would like to add to the definition a few thoughts. Let me preface them by saying that we all continue to sin and cause offence. Some of us have sinful habits that we repeat over and over–even as we confess them and ask forgiveness repeatedly. [Matt 18:22] Having said this, I think repentance also includes a love for God which, in turn, develops an aversion to sin. Repentance is not merely being sorry for the trouble that it causes i.e. the consequences. It is not a matter of developing the ability to hold one’s breath longer. It’s not a matter of increasing the interval of time between the various cycles of the sin, guilt, sorrow, try-harder-next-time syndrome.

The Bible tells us to bring forth fruits worth of repentance. [Luke 3:8] This means a change of attitude (belief or mindset) as well as a change of behavior. It is a logically thought out conclusion that results in discarding or putting off (being done with) the sin or offense. If I continually offend my spouse in a certain area and continually ask for and receive forgiveness, that is one thing. I am in process, and God’s grace is leading me to (toward) repentance. [Rom 2:4] However, if I come to the point where the particular offense becomes worthless to me, and I discard it, then the Holy Spirit, through grace and repentance has had His complete work in that area. [Phil 1:6, 2:13]

As a side note, I don’t think we discard anything until we are convinced it is worthless. Sometimes it is not enough to know that something is bad or harmful. One might continue in a sinful state or habit (addiction) although he or she knows it is very harmful to oneself or others. But, when it becomes worthless to us, when it no longer has an emotional or psychological value, then, like a worn out pair of shoes, we discard it. (I use the word psychological reservedly. In this case, it simply connotes a twisted, illogical, pathological value).

Repentance–a godly sorrow

… yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.  2 Cor 7:9-11

There is a type of sorrow (worldly sorrow) that accomplishes nothing. Feeling sorry is not repentance. Emotionalism and crying are not necessarily signs of real repentance. Not to make light of such emotions, but when the tears subside, the crux of the matter is that there must be a change of mind and will and behavior …and it must be evident. Again, true repentance is mani­fested in obedience to God’s word–in a change of thinking and behavior. That change is not merely an attempt to put on a good show or an attempt to put your best foot forward. True repentance is a broken-ness that occurs when you see the real core of your sin and the ugliness of it. It causes you to despise–not yourself in useless self-loathing–but your ways. It’s not a calculated strat­egy to manipulate the situation. Godly sorrow causes the person to change; worldly sorrow just causes the person to feel bad or to merely desire to get out of the mess they are in. Worldly sorrow is interested in its own comfort. Godly sorrow is interested in God’s “feelings” as well as the other person’s well being–no matter what the outcome or cost to self. Godly sorrow is guided by principle; worldly sorrow is guided by emotion.

Conviction

The KJV uses the words convict and convince interchangeably to translate the same Greek word. (Strong’s #1651 elegcho (el-eng’-kho); of uncertain affinity; to confute, admonish: KJV– convict, convince, tell a fault, rebuke, reprove.)

Using a human standard, we can say that many people, perhaps most people, live relatively decent lives. By God’s standard, however, our best efforts are tainted with corruption, sin, pride, and self-interest. Conviction is a deep, personal realization. It is our own conscience telling us that something is so. Conviction means that we are convinced. One factor of salvation is that we are convinced we are sinners and that God has provided the solution for our sin.

 But we are as an unclean thing, and our righteousness is as filthy rags; and we all fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away. Isa 64:6

“The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other men—extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector. ‘I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess.’ And the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me a sinner!’ “I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”  Luke 18:11-14

Without this deep realization, we will not see our extreme condition, and we will not call to God out of absolute desperation. Without the conviction that we have injured our spouse or that we are stubbornly unyielding to the Holy Spirit’s work in our relationship, we will not (and cannot) repent. However, once we are convicted (convinced), then we immediately have several steps to take. The first step is confession.

Confession

Then went out to him Jerusalem, and all Judaea, and the region round about Jordan, And were baptized of him in Jordan, confessing their sins. Matt 3:5-6

In order for reconciliation to happen in your marriage, you must acknowledge and confess your own sins (not your spouse’s). Your confession must be honest, truthful, accurate, and complete. Your mate will intuitively know whether you are being authentic and sincere. Aditionally, (although regarding the way men confess, I have recently heard Emerson Eggerichs’s delightful views to the contrary), I think it is most beneficial, if not imperative, to maintain eye contact when confessing. Your eyes are the windows of your soul. (I don’t know how scriptural that is, but Matt 6:22 comes close). This is nowhere more evident than when you are confessing sin and asking for forgiveness. Looking into your mate’s eyes while confessing your sin(s) is as vulnerable as you can be. It like stepping off a cliff, and that is good. It’s the only way your spouse can catch you and save you with his or her arms of forgiveness.

Forgiveness

Once you have been convicted of your trespass, and after your have thoroughly and transparently confessed with a heart to change, then the next step in restoration is to ask for forgiveness. Again, look into each other’s eyes during this time. It is crucial to ask your spouse to forgive you. Say the actual words “Will you forgive me?” Don’t merely say “I’m sorry”. Saying you are sorry states a feeling. Often, it is mere senti­mentality lacking any real depth. It e­vokes no commitment. Asking your mate to forgive you evokes a commitment on your spouse’s part to forgive. On your part, asking forgiveness must carry with it your commitment to change i.e. repentance.  

Forgiveness is an act of your will. It is not a matter of whether you feel like forgiving. In most cases the person who is wronged will be deeply hurt and will not feel like forgiving. So, don’t base your decisions and actions on your feelings. In fact, your relationship is most likely suffering because one or both of you are allowing feelings and emotions to control and dominate you and to dictate your choices and responses.

Forgiveness is an act of obedience to God through obedience to Scripture. When the one who has sinned asks for forgiveness, Jesus commands the wronged party to forgive. [Luke 17:3] Forgiveness is not an option. Eventually, when both spouses are recon­ciled to God and to each other, feelings and emotions will return. Therefore, do not expect to feel like forgiving. Do not wait for your feelings to kick in so that you can forgive. You can forgive without feeling like it.

Furthermore, none of us deserve to be forgiven. If you are the one who has been wronged, your mate does not deserve forgiveness. If he or she deserved forgiveness, they simply would not need to be forgiven! We cannot earn forgiveness, so don’t put that trip on your spouse. That is the whole point of forgiveness. It is releasing a debt that cannot be paid.  Read the parable of the unforgiving servant. [Matt 18:21-35] The com­mand to forgive is emphatic.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you forget. It’s not a lobotomy. (However, you might find that you actually do forget what the offence was when forgiveness and restoration take place). For­giveness doesn’t make the past go away. When you forgive, it means that you do not throw the matter up into your spouse’s face anymore. Forgiveness means that you do not use the past as a guilt or anger mechanism against your spouse when you want to win and come out on top

Conviction, confession, and repentance cleanse the soul and spirit and restore your relationship. Often, both spouses will have to go through the process of confession and repentance and asking for forgiveness. Even the one who has been wronged may find that his or her response (bitterness, for example) is just as dark, ugly, and sinful as the other spouse’s original offence. 

On the other side of this process of confession and repentance and forgiveness is the sunshine of restored relationship. Perhaps you have read about disastrous relationships that have been changed into sparkling lights of love and devotion. They are testimonies to God ways. His ways are right. With obedience to His word and the help of His Spirit, your marriage will be such a shining testimony.

© Mike Williamson 2008
Website:  www.genesis224.com
Email:      mike  (at) genesis224.com
Blog:        http://genesis224.wordpress.com/

Genesis224 is the marriage and pre-marriage ministry of Mike & Jewel Williamson

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The following scriptures setup the context for a few thoughts about marriage.

Many therefore of his disciples, when they had heard this, said, This is a hard saying; who can hear it? [John 6:60]

…Jesus answered and said to them, “You are mistaken, not knowing the Scriptures nor the power of God. “For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels of God in heaven. [Matt 22:25-30]

…and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.” [Matt 19:9-12]

Now concerning the things whereof you wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. [1 Cor 7:1-2]

But this I say, brethren, the time is short, so that from now on even those who have wives should be as though they had none, For the form of this world is passing away. [1 Cor 7:27-31]

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Some of Jesus’ (and Paul’s) sayings are difficult to understand. Some of them, however, because of our flesh, are just plain difficult to accept and to put in practice. Jesus said there are some who are celibate for the Kingdom of God. Paul said that those who had wives should be as though they had none. There doesn’t seem to be much (if any) preaching on these scriptures.

We are to love each other with agape (God’s) love. Having been married for 32 years, I can see the progression of God’s redemptive spirit slowly changing me. Although I had been a Christian for more than five years before my second marriage, I started this marriage full of the ways of the world and the old nature was little mortified.  

God’s love has nothing to do with how my spouse makes or doesn’t make me feel. It has nothing to do with how she fulfills my desires or needs. Rather, it has to do with living for another motive–for the higher calling of loving in the love of God. It has God as the purpose for marriage and the center of attention–not me or my wife or even “us” (our relationship). Our relationship is not the motive, the focus, or the reason for our marriage.  

…And God said, It is not good that man is alone. I will make him a helper comparable to him. [Gen 2:18]

It is commonly accepted that companionship is the primary reason for marriage, and the above verse declares this. Marriage is thus viewed as the answer to loneliness.  We marry so that we will not be alone. Included in companionship are such things as pleasure, attraction, affection, love, and fulfillment. These are earthly-oriented, human-oriented needs which are ours to experience and to enjoy completely. However, there are some pitfalls regarding this approach. For example, a lonely, insecure woman might be driven to marry out of desperation. The fear of loneliness drives her to marry the first person that comes along who shows her any attention. A person in such a state is apt to make the wrong choice. Thus, the desire to overcome loneliness is not, in itself, the most reliable motive.

Is there a higher motive, a better motive, a heavenly motive? Might we take it a step further? Companionship is a means to an end; it is not the end itself. It is not the primary reason God created marriage. The primary reason for marriage is that it is God’s design and, therefore, for his purpose.

“You are worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honor and power; for You created all things, and by Your will [for your pleasure KJV] they exist and were created.” [Rev 4:11]

All things that are made are made for His glory. God made us for His glory. Thus, marriage and all elements of marriage such as companionship are firstly for His purpose, design, and glory.

I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’ And to the south, ‘Do not keep them back!’ Bring My sons from afar, and My daughters from the ends of the earth.  Everyone who is called by My name, whom I have created for My glory; I have formed him (her), yes, I have made him.” [Isa 43:6-7] (Emphasis added)

As a side note, some men believe that woman (our spouse) was created to meet “my” needs. Genesis 2:18 is used (in a roundabout fashion) to support such a view. Woman, however, was created–not for man’s pleasure–but for God’s glory.

What are the implications of the verse where Jesus says, “in the resurrection they neither marry or are given in marriage”? (Matt 22:25-30) We may surmise from this verse that in heaven we will not have the legal and moral responsibilities of a marriage relationship. We will not have the desires and passions of this life. It might even be that we won’t have a gender identity. We shall not have corrupt flesh as we now have, and our spouses will be free of the desires and obligations they experience here on earth. My wife will not be bound to me, and I will not be bound to her. In heaven, each will be bound exclusively to Christ and corporately we will be bound by pure love energizing every one. We will have no need or desire for exclusive relationships in heaven.

Scripture says, “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband” [1 Cor 7:2] However, it won’t be so in heaven. Paul directs us to this heavenly love for our spouse even while we are yet upon the earth. The scripture says if you can’t control (or sublimate) your passions and desires, then get married. Even so, Paul directs us to make God the focus of our marriage.

But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord– how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world– how he may please his wife. There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world– how she may please her husband. [1 Cor 7:32-34].

He who marries cares for this world and how he can please his wife. Likewise, the woman who marries does not live a life exclusively devoted to Christ but to her spouse, and how she may please him. Single people are free to be totally devoted to Christ and how they may please him.  Even so, he who has a wife is to live as though he has none. [1 Cor 7:9] What does this mean?

God created everything for his own purpose, glory, and pleasure. We do the same thing. Anything we make is made, not for the thing’s sake, but for our sake. For example, a chair does not exist for itself; it exists for its maker. Likewise, we exist for our maker’s purpose. The purpose of marriage is the same purpose of everything else–to glorify God. Somewhere along the line, the married couple must see that the purpose for their marriage is the Kingdom of God. Each mate must give the other the liberty, and should encourage each other, to turn to Christ and to set their heart on the things of heaven. Will such a view turn us into sterile, antiseptic nuns and monks–repressing the natural, the normal, the human? Or, will it cause us to align with what is going on in the spirit realm, in the heavenly realm, in the Kingdom of God? I believe it is the latter. It does not mean that we abstain from romantic and sexual intimacy or from any other aspect of our marriage relationship. If we put the Kingdom of God first in our marriage, the other things we need and desire will follow. They will have there proper place, order, and expression. [Matt 6:33]

            . . . and yet I show you a more excellent way. 1 Cor 12:31

Assuming you were both believers, do you recall that, before you married, your spouse was first your sister or brother? What is the higher calling–that which is eternal or that which is temporal? Well then, we shall not always be husband and wife, but we shall always be brother and sister (or the heavenly equivalent).

Do not many couples, after years (or perhaps …months) of marriage, begin to take each other for granted? What does that mean except that we downgrade one another? We are less in each other’s eyes than during our courtship. Yet, we were only brother and sister during the time of dating, engagement, or courtship. If marriage is a more exalted state, how can it be that we downgrade each other, take each other for granted, and treat each other with less respect and love then when we were merely brother and sister in the Lord? How is it that, having first been brother and sister, we become husband and wife and lose (or forfeit) that brotherly-sisterly relationship? Are we not still brother and sister in the Lord? [1 Cor: 9:5] [1]Not only that but, if we divorce (God forbid), are we not still brother and sister? Therefore, the brother-sister relationship is paramount (superior) in this earthly life too and not only in the next.

It is with this eternal perspective that Paul admonishes us to live our married lives. Certainly, we are to be companions–bonded into one flesh–in this life, but to what end?

She is my helpmate. For what? To fulfill my kingdom? …Or to fulfill God’s?

[1] 1 Cor.9:5 Have we not power to lead about a sister, a wife, as well as other apostles, and as the brethren of the Lord, and Cephas? (KJV) According to Strong’s concordance, the word “sister” is in the text. The NIV and the NKJV omit it. However, my NKJV study Bible states in the center column reference that the literal translation, in fact, does contain the word sister.

Grace:                     The bestowal of blessing and favor apart from performance or merit.

Gratitude:                The only proper response to receiving grace

Gratuity:                  Giving grace (unmerited money that isn’t due) to a waitress or waiter

Disgrace:                 Someone who lacks grace, graciousness, or gratitude

Ingrate:                   A person unthankful for grace received

Grateful:                  Grate-full:  Full of grace and/or gratitude.  The only proper response to receiving grace.  

Gratified:                 Satisfied with grace.

Congratulations:      Con-grace-ulations: Approval, praise, and joy given (freely out of grace) for one’s performance or personhood, or state.

Gratis:                     Freely given without charge

Grace Period:          The time between birth and death.

Before any person can receive forgiveness, grace, and mercy, that person, of course, must be convinced that he or she is in desperate need of it.

If I am convinced of one thing, it is this: Only beggars get into heaven. If a person is too proud to beg, they will never get into the Kingdom of God, they will never find grace and mercy, and they will never be saved.  Everyone who came to Jesus (or perhaps anyone who got anywhere with, or anything from, Jesus) came to Him on their knees; they came as beggars. Are you such a person?

There is no other place to come to Jesus for salvation than at the foot of His crucifixion (or His throne), and that is done upon one’s knees. The doorway to salvation is a very, very narrow, small doorway. One can only enter through it on hands and knees.

More about grace soon.

Mike